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again, let me reiterate how utterly unfaithful i have been to livejournal. however, in retrospect, lj has been there for me during my worst and best times *wink*. i spent about an hour today just reminiscing and reading past posts of happy times and not so happy times. all the way back from the beginnings of mr.big (brett) to the end of mr.incredible (ryan).
i sit here, waiting for the horrid rain to wind down and for my best male friend to come scoop me up. being trapped in my house all day with nothing to do is really starting to get to me.. i feel the walls closing in on me.. okay, so it's not quite that serious.. i'm just feeling a little cheeky and melodramatic. ya'll know me.
*ginormous grin* i spoke with mr.incredible online today for the first time since.. umm.. january. it made me happy. nothing remotely important was said, and the conversation, for the most part, was nothing short of generic. however, it was the first time we have communicated without any resonating tension on my part. it just felt cool. i mean, i have no idea whether or not he is still with his girlfriend...... and a huge part of me does not want to know. i think it would be worse for me to know that he's not with someone and he still doesnt want me than to know that he's just committed to the ex that was before me. does that make any sense? what i think would be even more heinous would be if he was with some new chic. omg, i think i would just about DIE. my mommy asked me (with a disgusted look on her face) if i would ever go back to ryan if given the opportunity. without any hesitation, i said 'absolutely'. i'm a glutton for punishment. gahh, i just want to be content again.
it's so funny that tine says, "he has no idea what he did to you". and she's so right.. i just haven't been the same since. but i know it's simply because i haven't moved onto anyone new. i've tried.. don't get me wrong.. i've reverted to my perverse mr.big tendencies.. i've even tried replacing ryan with a look-a-like (and a dead-ringer i must add).. but no one has really tickled my fancy.
i absolutely detest hurricane season.. it ruins my birthday every friggin year.
anyway, it's almost 11.. i want to get out of the house. someone punch me. i need to get laid. haha, just kidding. i need a xanax. haha, just kidding again. i need a cocktail. yeah, not kidding.
argh, i'm off like newlywed pajamas ;-)
BB
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worst day ever.
went to sleep at, um, 4 am.
woke up at 6:20 am with a sharp, numbing pain in both of my shoulders.. which travelled into my neck. i couldn't lay down to go back to sleep.. so i cried until my eyes hurt more than my shoulders. to make matters better, i was having my meal replacement breakfast shake when my dad told me that i look like a body builder and that he'd rather have me look "delicate" than the way i am. i guess i'm beefy. thanks, dad. add fuel to the fire. anyway, 3 painkillers later, i slept from 10 am to 1 pm.. with my mom telling me that i had to eat. i wanted to die.
today was miserable. i didn't have the energy to do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere. nothing. i just sat and watched law and order for most of the day until i took a nap at 6. i woke up to go watch tv downstairs (and was bombarded with the svelte figures of all the miss universe competitors) when my dad comes home and says, "you know, i was thinking.. those shakes you drink.. they're making you big. you look chubby.".. all that before even a hello. that's it. i'm done. fuckin' they're asking for me to go back to the way i was. ok, done. at least then everyone will be happy. you want me to fuckin' stop eating. done. you want me to fuckin' throw up after i eat. done. i'm fucking sick of this bullshit.
all i want to do is cry. i'm out.
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so it's been the 2nd day IN A ROW that some piss drunk kid has waken me up at friggin 5 am, 7 am, and proceeded to nextel beep me for 2 hrs thereafter. even with my phone on silent, the direct connect beep would still alert me.. until i figured out how to turn it off. ugggh. UGGGGGH. so tired.
i think i'm PMSing nasty style lol.. i'm breaking out.. moody as funk.. emotional.. and i'm craving carbies nasty. yes, that sounds like the warning signs. i cried last night just because i was bored.. and i was sad that there was nothing to do. haha. yeah, i'm an emotional wreck.
daniela and i are going on a mission to find me boys to date. i'm getting tired of the scenery.
i start work at patrick taleb salon in weston on tuesday. im fired up. that's the kind of environment i like to be in! yeeeah.
i'm still pissed that i'm awake right now. i have a baptism in 2 hrs. can't go to sleep now.
boo to the world.
b
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because it's 3am and i can't sleep, i decided to do something many therapist recommend in order to gain closure or whatever they say it is that you gain. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who it is addressed to.. i feel that its simplicity is what makes it so honest. i also find it peculiar that i would show the world this before i ever consider showing him.
dear you,
it's funny. as much as i try to dislike you, not think about you, or even forget you, i never quite do. i find that each and every night, as i'm laying in bed preparing to go to sleep, i think of you in the hopes that my thoughts will carry into my dreams. because to have you in my dreams seems better than to not have you at all. some call me crazy-- maybe i am. some say that i need to let go and move on-- to a certain extent, i feel like i have. but in the back of my mind, i still have hope. my best friend tells me that with each ounce of hope, there's an equal amount of potential hurt accompanying it. but you know, i'm willing to take the chance because i find that you're worth it.
i miss you. i do. i really honest to goodness do. i miss laughing with you. i miss talking to you. i miss having your arms around me. i miss hearing your voice.. seeing your smile.. kissing your lips. but most of all, i miss looking forward to all of these things.
i wish that you didn't invade my each and every thought.. i wish that everything didn't remind me of you.. i wish that the memories would fade away.. part of me even wishes that i had never met you. i wouldn't have gone through the pain that i did.. the longing.. i wouldn't have shed the tears.. but then again, if i would've never met you, i would've never been as happy as i was for the short amount of time we spent together. i would've never felt what it was like to fully open myself up to someone and give my heart away. because, to be perfectly honest, you had me before you knew me. and as cliche as it sounds, you had me at "hello."
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| Subject: | .. great .. |
| Time: | 7:24 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | behind these hazel eyes - kelly clarkson. |
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so how about this:
+ spend the most glorious day at the beach yesterday. it was so freakin lovely. i was out from 10am-7pm.. just the bestie and other high school pals. i didn't think i got too tan but apparently, i did. i'm planning on laying out by the pool today coz i don't feel like spending another entire day at the beach. i hate going with a group of people bc ure then at their mercy when it comes to how long you end up staying.
+ apparently i work at tootsies now as a stripper. imagine that. deanna text messaged me yesterday asking me if i was working there, and i was like 'whaaaaat'. lmao, i don't even know where tootsies is.. i'm still a strip club virgin. lol. even after i leave the ale house, people still have shit to say. ernesto was the one that started the rumor.. he went sometime last week and got one of those magazine/pamphlets that i guess they hand out. one chick in there looks "identical" to me.. whipped cream fetish and all. haha.. so i went in last night to visit her and to essentially clear my name.. ATTENTION EVERYONE: BIANCA E. AJON IS NOT A STRIPPER AT TOOTSIES. NOT NOW, NOT EVER.
+ i saw shrove last night for the first time since i left the ale house in april. i wasn't expecting to.. but i did. and i had to say hi despite my overwhelming urge to send him to hell. friends? yeah, f-ing friends. good friends obviously don't call each other even just to say hi. coz he didn't. but then again, neither did i. well, f that. i'm not the one that sold him out for my ex. wow, i really need to stop thinking about him. it'll happen soon. freakin, this is the same shit i went through with every other boy in the past.. harp on them until someone new comes along. so deanna gave me a few shots before i left.. and so i was feeling pretty ballsy. ryan said some shit about me stripping and this if i were to do it, to give him a call. my immediate reaction was as so: "nah, nigga.. i won't make that mistake twice".. i dipped on that note. but of course, i-- bianca, being the COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG that i am, decided to text message him when i got home.. i was like, "so has the verdict changed? or is it still too much of an issue to be frens?" and he, being the intelligent and articulate boy that he is, replied, "we can b friends". wow. thanks. part of me wished i hadn't afterwards.. but if i actually hadn't, part of me will have wished i did. i didn't have anything to lose.. it's not like things could get worse with him. as is, there is nothing. i had to think to myself, 'what would paris hilton do? britney spears?' and i came to this conclusion.. paris hilton and i are nothing alike. lmao. so that rules out any idiotic thing she would do.. and britney spears MARRIED the equivalent of what he would be to me.. lmao. and look how she turned out. so i guess both scenarios would be null and void. he's not that cute, anyway. ;-)
+ i might have to go back to the ale house for a few weeks. ughh, how annoying. desperate times call for desperate measures. money is hard right now.. so you've got to do what you've got to do. mac calls my name.. as do my credit card bills.
+ i really heart some of the people at the a.h. they're madd coolios. i miss them dearly. maybe it'll do me some good to go back for a little while.. God does everything for a reason. i'll stop by blow and consult with nancy today and see what she thinks i should do. if she gives me the okay, then i'll go back. but if she tells me she can use me starting next week, then i'll skip out on pines ale house for good.
+ christiney weenie- I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE. YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GREY :) girl, true blue until the end. we were friends in 'pampers'.. we'll be friend in 'depends'. thank you for always being there.. no matter what.
_ p.s. i love this new kelly clarkson song. i'm obsessed _
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wow.. it's been a while since i've posted anything substantial here about the occurances in my life. let's just say, while nothing extraordinary has happened, my life has been nothing short of tumultuous.
so i am technically currently unemployed. my mom was not too thrilled with the fact that i was working as a shot girl at passion. i told her i had quit just to calm her down.. but i'm considering working behind her back at least saturday nights. it sucks that i have to lie to her, but i do need some money in my pockets. i have caviar tastes on a kool-aid budget. nancy isn't opening the salon up until june.. so i still have quite some time of being jobless.
my life is a giant emotional mess. i am a giant ball of contradicting emotions. i just would like to be content for a while. is that so much to ask for?? of course, i am the one that makes the decision that lead to my happiness, or rather, lack there of.
i got into a tremendous fight with my father last night. the details are unimportant, but i came to realization that he is never going to change. there's no use hoping for something that is never going to be there. and on a slight tangent, i realized if there are things that are not up to par in my life, change them. i can do anything i put my mind to. that is precisely what i am going to do.
my days have been consumed with television and naps. i have no desire to leave my house. and even if i did, i don't have anywhere that i particularly want to be. i, however, did suck it up and go to the movies with my bff christian the other night. it was quite lovely. just me and the bestie.
i am starting a 2 wk fast tomorrow to clear the toxins out of my body and to clear my mind.. it's a buddhist thing.. even though i'm nowhere near buddhist. ah, whatever. technicality.
i feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere with a thousand possible roads to take.. and a thousand places i want to be.. but i don't know which one i want to take or where i want to be or how i want to get there. i just feel utterly lost in every sense.
i went to the ale house for the first time since i left last thursday. i kinda miss the place, but i don't want to go back. it's not worth surrounding myself with the precise things that were the roots of my unhappiness for so long. not to mention, i'd just be scratching the scab off of a healing wound.
i'm getting tired. looking forward to another day of misery. bye.
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Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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Behind These Hazel Eyes
Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me // I used to stand so tall // I used to be so strong // Your arms around me tight // Everything it felt so right // Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong // Now I can’t breathe // No, I can’t sleep // I’m barely hanging on // Here I am once again // I’m torn into pieces // Can’t deny it // Can’t pretend // Just thought you were the one // Broken up deep inside // But you won’t get to see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes // I told you everything // Opened up and let you in // You made me feel alright for once in my life // Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be // So together but so broken up inside // Cause I can’t breathe // No, I can’t sleep // I’m barely hanging on // Swallow me then spit me out // For hating you, I blame myself // Just seeing you, it kills me now // No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
2 1/2 months later and i still think about him when i hear songs like this.. wow, i need a better hobby.
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i've been so unfaithful to livejournal.. i've cheated.. so if you wonder where my oh-so-interesting posts have gone whoring around to.. you can find them in myspace's bed. :-) perhaps myspace is just a novelty.. i might be back around these parts.. apparently people go back to what they're comfortable with :-X
ciao.
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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why do i look for people to give me satisfaction in my life? i have control of the reigns.. i don't need anyone else to validate me.. i'm going to be fantastic with or without the aid of someone else.. because, in the end, it's just you and your family that pull through together.
so i found out why ryan and i dissapated into an oblivion.. the ex girlfriend came back into the picture.. oh well, good enough reason for me.. i'm surprised i lasted as long as i did.. i hope he's happy.. what befuddles me is the fact that when you break up with someone that youve been with for, say, 9 months, there has to be a good reason.. now if you get back with them 3 months later.. is the reason gone? did time magically make all problems disappear? i will spend no more time analyzing.. he can do whatever tickles his pickle.
i've moved on.
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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GIRLS...
Find a guy who calls you 'beautiful' instead of 'hot',
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,
who wants to show you off to the world
when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you
of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
GUYS...
Find a girl who calls you 'baby-faced' instead of 'hot' or 'sexy',
who can't stand it when you hang up on her and calls right back,
who would sit there for hours looking into your eyes,
who doesn't care what you look like, but what's inside counts the most,
Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you on the cheek instead of the lips,
Wants to be with you in public, even if you wear those old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,
Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy, who makes you smiles just by knowing she loves you back.
Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to in public and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"
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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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within the next 20 minutes, someone is going to die. or be paralyzed. or at least punched in the face.
either that, or i will hang myself.
or slit my wrists.
or scream so loud that i will somehow defy all laws of sound.
i have not slept a good night's sleep in approximately a week. all due to the simple nature that school, work, the gym, anxiety, and loud children have imposed themselves into my life and decided to linger longer than i ideally would prefer. just glorious. simply f-ing glorious. i'm blarring the new 50 cent joint so loud as to drown out any other background noise taking place in my house.
8 hours of work at pines ale house today... $110 later (and on a day shift, thank you) and after several spilled drinks (on the customers' parts), i somehow wish i was at work rather than here at home. wait, i take that back. i just wish i was somewhere having crazy amounts of fun.. anywhere besides pines ale house or my house.
i know i don't sound so chipper and content.. i really don't have a reason to be. today was nothing short of miserable.. but then again, things could always be worse. as far as boys go (which always seem to be a self-inflicted drama in my life), things are stagnant. i've talked to mr. big a few times here and there.. i'm just going back to him because he keeps my mind off of the most recent heart-demolisher that has crossed my path.
speaking of the devil -- he really, really pissed me off today at work.. (r.s., that is).. anyway, why he feels the need to come to me with this bullshit is BEYOND my comprehensive capabilities.. the conversation went something like this:
him: you know, robert (a guy that workds in the kitchen) thinks you're hot
me: ok
him: yeah everytime you walk by, he makes a comment or something
me: ok
him: you know, man, i could hook you up
(no comment from me.. just an astounded glare)
him: i know i fucked up once.. i'm just looking out, you know
(he attempts to dap me.. me, however, still astounded)
him: thanks for leaving me hanging
(me, still astounded)
that boy is f*cked up in the head; n*gga has got me MISTAKEN. what is the PURPOSE to come to me with that bullshit?? none, zero, zip, zilch, nada, nigun. there is no g-damn purpose for him to be such an insensitive bastard. jesus, i'd understand his actions and words more if we had perhaps ended on a bad note, but we didn't. even after all the games and the scams and the lies (because, yes, letting me think that something is true when it is not is, in fact, some form of lying), i stuck around and pursued a friendship. even after he said, 'i don't think hanging out is such a good idea.. but we can still talk on the phone', i stuck around. yeah, screw that.. how dare he have the audacity to pick the terms and conditions of a friendship that i shouldn't even be offering? he needs to keep his cupid's arrows, his comments (which are, btw, quite intelligent and flattering -- i.e. 'you're fun as f*ck', 'you're a beautiful ass girl'), and his BULLSHIT to himself coz there ain't no one here who wants to deal with it.
i seriously need more pride. i want to be one of those bitches that says, 'alright boy, you f*ck me up once.. you're out of the game. next..!' and never looks back. i'm making it a point to be that way from now on because i am too g-damn amazing to settle for some f*cking BOY whose priorities include (in no particular order) 1. smoking pot, 2. getting high, 3. smoking weed, 4. getting stoned, 5. blazing trees, 6. getting blitz out of his mind, etc. you get the idea. i'm far too good to be f-ing around with some immature ass. i'm done with his asssssss. he is NOTHING to me.. and that's final. i'm not gonna be mean, i'm not gonna be nice. he is vapour.. an insignificant nothing that doesn't consume any part of my world.
::sigh:: i'm not so mad anymore.. i realized that venting is th best form of stress release. once i'm out of the ale house, i'm finished with all things childish and immature. just a few more weeks and i'll be doin my glitzy glamour thing at butterfly salon and spa. god, i cannot wait.
anyway, i'm out. i need to go to sleep. plus, i'm gonna check out some shit for the party i'm tentatively planning for the bestie's departure to london for 3 months.
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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home, sweet, home. after a well-deserved mini vacation to orlando, i am safe to say that there is no place like home. don't get me wrong, i had massive amounts of fun with debroka, but i am a homebody. i missed my momma, my bed, my schmoopie, etc. not to mention, my sister came into town last night.. goodness, i sure did miss my sissy and the girlies :)
anyway, not much debauchery went down on my part.. i just kinda partied up as soberly (is that even a word??) as possible.. downtown, roxy, etc. it was cool.. so many funny moments between summer, me, and her cool-as-funk cousin, kari.
however, i was a moody bitch. not only was i moody, but i was eating everything in sight. dude, not cool. i'm talking chocolate, cookies, boxES of cereal, crackers, chips, fruit.. anything that wouldn't constitute as a real meal. i mustve gained like 20 lbs. ew, gross. i almost didn't want to go out any of the nights i was there because i felt like a lardo. i ate and ate until i physically felt like i was going to vomit. i don't know what came over me.. whatever. i guess i came to my senses and realized that i am going on a STRICT diet and workout plan... i have 4 wks to drop 20 lbs.. the bestie and i are competing to see who can lose the most weight in the fastest amount of time. the goal date is the 26th of march... that is when i have tentatively scheduled my 'girls gone wild'/'bon voyage summer debroka'/'end of spring break' party at the crib..
anyway, i'm so beyond sleepy.. time to rest so i can hit up the gymmy gym manana.
all my love,
b
p.s. kari inspired me to date lots of boys.. keep the options open.. always have a back-up. even j.ley said that i put all my eggs into one basket, and that that alone screws me majorly. eh, we'll test the waters out. xo
p.p.s. this is my quote of the day....
There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be. That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down. There will be challenges to face and changes to make, and it is up to you to accept them.
Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.
It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.
So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want YOUR life to be. The challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.
Keep Believing in Yourself.
--Unknown
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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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stole this from tiney.. who, in turn, stole this from her fren.. we're a bunch of moochers. anyway, found it fitting for the past few wks. enjoy!
when people leave your life, let them go. stop trying to make a way out of no way just to let them back in. people come and go with a purpose. once they leave you, there is nothing left.. just the memories of what you have shared. doors are constantly being opened and closed.. it's just that we aren't the ones who are in control of the door.. and if it's not meant to be, then it's not going to happen.. no matter how much you want it.. it will only leave you hurt.
but anyway, there hasn't been much of an update in a hot minute.. i would today.. but.. i'm so exhausted from the 12 hr photo shoot at the glasshaus in miami (yay for marcelo and nancy).. not to mention, i'm on a rampage to lose weight. i looked repulsive and atrocious in my clothes today.. by far the chubbiest girl there. ick. the only things ryan left me with were 5 lbs and a broken heart lol.. and i'm definitely thinking that the 5 lbs are worse. :-\ nitey nite
- b
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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You're Lorelei Lee from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
You think it's very important to marry a
wealthy man. You love diamonds. What can you
say, you're a material girl.
Which Marilyn Monroe Are You? (with pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
fitting, i suppose. anyway, so ryan and i are no longer 'talking'. that's essentially what sent me into a tailspin the past few days.. valentine's day was a difficult day to get through. i worked all morning, and i definitely thought about him every minute that i was there.. after work, as i approached my car, i saw a rose and an envelope on the windshield. it was from ryan. so as im opening the envelope, i cannot help but smile due to the nice gesture. however, after reading the letter, the only feeling that overcame my being was a feeling of utter sadness. i started sobbing. hysterically. the only person i could think to call was my bestie best friend, tine (p.s. i love you).
she calmed me down.. but then i started crying after i got off the phone with her. in fact, i was crying for the better part of that night. i attempted to workout my emotions at the gym but failed miserably. part of me wanted to just curl into a ball and weep until i ran out of gas and fell asleep. BUT i could not do that. i had a date with my other bestie best fren, ms. debroka. she cooked dinner for me, and it sure was scrumptrulescent.
anyway, today was slightly better than valentine's day. i tried not to think about ryan too much.. again, failed miserably. but what can you do? abso-freakin-lutely nothing.
he picked up the pictures today. why he wanted them, i do not know. but what i do know is that my plan of action is to kill him with kindness.
it must have worked because approx. 10 minutes after he left my house, i received a text saying 'damn u look good'. and what, biotch?
anyway, i have a minor headache. more details tomorrow or the day after. xo
one.
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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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done. over. please don't ask any questions. when i'm ready, i'll divulge any necessary details. until then, the shattered pieces of my broken heart are attempting to mend themselves back together as quickly as possible. one.
b
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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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i don't know if it's really trouble in paradise because who's to say it was even paradise to begin with? i would call it illusionary, rather.. a unrealistic vision conjured up in my mind.
if i explained the situation to most people, they would think i'm crazy.. 'it's only been 24 hrs'.. albeit, yes, it's been ONLY 24 hrs.. a measly 24 hrs without any contact.. however, this hasn't happened in the past month.. not to mention, when i did call, no answer. i'm not a dumb girl.. and my intuitions aren't that far off base most of the time.
i know something is up.. but what? i couldn't tell you. i haven't done anything worth getting mad about.. i've kept my distance from mr.big (although in my angry stuper, i did call him last night).. perhaps ryan is just bored of me.. plain and simple.. and so he runs.. like a gazelle.. a gazelle running from a lion.. a gazelle running from a lion that's extremely hungry and out for blood. whatever the reason, it's typical of a boy. typical, typical, typical. shame on me for thinking that he was going to be different from any other guy out there.. once they get what they want, they're out. no explanation necessary. the sad part is that i really liked this one.. a lot. but whatever.. you win some, you lose some.. in my case, i lose all.
pessimistic? of course. would you expect anything else from me? i'm back to normal. back to my eating disorderly, workout-a-holic, moderately depressed state of being. i'm comfortable there. shame on me for making him such a part of my life. shame on me for getting ahead of myself when i knew not to.
he was nothing but a disappointment.
well, i work with him tonight. if he says anything to me, i'll let him have it. if he doesn't, then i won't talk to him today.. but i'll eventually let him have it. i could cry.
bianca
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Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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i just had to share the valentine's day card i got for the lovie today.. evi and looner convinced me to get the boobah a little somethin' somethin' coz i was kind of sketch on whether or not i wanted to. i just don't wanna feel like an ass if i get him something and he gets me nothing or if he thinks i'm some psycho obsessed stalker girl waiting for a marriage proposal or something.. i mean, i don't mind giving and not receiving (ok, i slightly do mind), but it's more of a 'i don't want him to get scared and run away' type of thing.. anyhoo, here's what the card says (p.s. it's kinda long):
I can't get you out of my mind.
I keep thinking about how much I enjoy talking with you,
how great you look when you smile,
and how much I like your laugh.
I daydream about you off and on all day,
replaying pieces of conversation...
laughing again about funny things you said or did.
I've memorized your face and the way you look at me...
It melts my heart every time I think about it.
And I catch myself smiling when I imagine what will happen
the next time we're together.
You must be something really special because I can't
remember the last time I felt so strongly about someone.
Even though neither of us knows what the future holds,
I know one this for sure-
you're one of the very best things that's happened to me
in a long time.
:) i thought it was sweet and very much accurate to how he makes me feel.. it's so true.. the cheesy smile every time i think about him.. sometimes i'll just be standing around and i'll think about something he said.. and i just smile.. for a few minutes.. just a cheesy grin. :) it feels great.. i never want the butterflies to go away.
xo goodnight
p.s. this was my 'excite.com' horoscope from yesterday and from today.. i can't believe how accurate theyve been lately.. interesting..
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 6, 2005
Passion is on the agenda for the next six weeks -- serious passion. Now, this can go either way. It might mean that you're so infatuated with someone that you can't even stand the thought of breathing if they're not in the room. It might also mean that you're so furious with someone that you can't stand the thought of sharing that air with them. Either way, you've got to find a way to deal with this. It's not healthy.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 7, 2005
That romantic roll we were talking about yesterday? The one that's going to last six weeks? The one that just started? You're off to a great beginning, and today's astrological forecast calls for more of the same. Enjoy yourself in the company of your dear one -- and if you're not yet attached, rest assured that the universe will be more than happy to arrange at least one 'coincidental' blind date that could change all that.
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Monday, February 7th, 2005
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Greetings Bianca --
Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 7:
Ready for total, complete and endless love? Bet you are. And you're not the only one. Let the universe do the driving. It may not be what you're used to -- but won't that be at least half the fun?
went to the lovie's casa last night for the superbowl (how 'bout them patriots? haha, i really don't like them.. but i figured since ryan was going for the eagles.. i'd go for the pats).. let's see.. jimmy, jimmy's brother ryan, jimmy's brother's friend, mike, arielle, kristi, james, kandi, shayna, erin, and kristina were all there for the game.. jana stopped by.. summer stopped by. it was like a little ale house party lol well, it's official, everyone knows that i'm 'friends' with ryan. i don't know why he insists on hiding it.. people aren't stupid.. whatever; i won't waste my breath.
it was fun though.. we went back to arielle's and chilled for a little while. afterwards, i went back to ryan's and fell asleep again. xanax will do that to you... :-X
worked all day today. what a morning! i thought i had to be there at 11.. but i was definitely scheduled for 10. great.. well i didn't get reprimanded because i suppose i dont do it often. the day went by uber fast. i didn't make any money.. but the day went by fast. lovie texted me this morning.. i love those early day texts and calls.. it gets my day going to a great start. :-D talked to him twice today.. didn't get to see him bc i had madd homework to do.. and i'm still not done. boo.. it's ok though.. maybe i'll see him tomorrow.. and if anything, we work together on wed. summer and i calculated that ryan and i have not gone 48 hours without seeing each other in the past month. cool :) i could so get used to this.
anyway, must continue working on my honors paper.. and i'm going to run to wal*mart to buy napoleon dynamite because i hear it is HILARIOUS. ttyl babycakes
binks
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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
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Greetings Bianca --
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 6:
If you thought you were infatuated yesterday, you won't believe how much those feelings will have grown by the time you open your eyes today. Before you dash off to that Elvis chapel in Vegas, make sure you're sure.
how fitting.. gahh.... i'm gonna see my bubbie tonight for the superbowl. pretty excited. :) anyway, i'm gonna go take a nappy. i'm gonna be a bum today! tomorrow starts my super strict diet and exercise regimen.
anyway, i'm on the phone with kiki so i'm gonna go focus on catching up and gushing on my boobah.
bianca
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Friday, February 4th, 2005
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so why did brett text me last night, "i'm single"? was he expecting some sort of positive reaction? did he expect that to change the past, present, and/or future? did he expect me to be all hopeful and happy that he's no longer with her girlfriend? am i suppose to regress back to my previous disillusionment and think that fate has turned around and made things work for us? no, no, no. i battled, however, for a good 20 minutes on how i should react. i didn't know whether i should've called him, ignored him, or texted him back. and if i texted him back, what would've been the ideal thing to say.. "why?", "how?", "when?", "what happened?", "so what?", "what does that change?", "what do you want me to say?", "interesting", "good for you", or "i'm not.."... i settled with the "i'm not.." (even though i am single still) just because it keeps the door closed. i don't need him or particularly want him back in my life as anything. he's beyond toxic. i just think it is utterly hilarious that he has the audacity to come back to me.. after everything.. expecting things to go back to the way they were. tomorrow is exactly one year to the day that i met him. one year of my life that i wasted, thinking he and i belonged together. i was so stupid and blind. i'm so much smarter now.. hopefully. i'm pretty sure the door is closed.. and god-willing, it will stay closed. funny how 4 days after seeing him for the first time in 4 months, he comes back. too little, too late.
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xxglamourpuss's journal
miserable.
mad.
gross.
content.
relieved.
amused.
whatever.
nerdy.
curious.